Losing My Sanity But Keeping It Together

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Come on, all of us are losing it in some way or the other, isn't it?

Of course most of us are really priviledged, I know I am, especially because we have our bellies full, have a cosy and comfortable home, have our loved ones safe, are able to connect with those we need to in some way....so many reasons to feel blessed and thank the universe for keeping us safe and together.

But with all this good going on, I am still losing my sanity massively.

Of course I don't show it all the time, I pretend to be all okay and positive for the girls and try and be with them as much as I can, after endless hours of house chores (no help for at least the next 2 3 months as of now), and try and cheer them up as much as I can.

I know kids are going through their own anxieties too, in these tough times, whether or not they can really put it out in words.

But once evening starts to hit, I can feel the changes in me.

I lose interest in everything.

I want to be left alone.

I don't want to speak a word.

I feel a heaviness in the limbs.

I feel my mind going numb.

I want to disappear.

I want to go away.

I want to sleep and not get up.

I want to curl and lie down.

I don't feel like responding to the girls.

I don't feel like entertaining them in any way.

I just want to be left alone, alone alone, alone. 

I want to disappear.

And I feel guilty later.

But no matter what I feel, it is impossible to completely remove myself from the girls. I don't really want to either.

A lot of this is also because I am not able to go for my daily 10km walks that used to be my release, my peacemaker, my calm, my soothing me time. 

When nothing helps, when I am in a corner, I end up standing at the window in the middle of the night and looking out at the moon, or the clouds and just keep taking in deep breaths.

This helps me to some extent. 

I do feel guilty.

I do tell myself that I am being a failure, a negative influence, and just not being good.

But I know this is normal.

I am human after all, I have ups and downs, I have emotions, I have a beating heart.

So for now, I will stop punishing myself and I will make sure I learn to vent out my emotions instead of bottling it all in as I always am used to.

And yes, it is absolutely normal to feel this way, so what I also make sure that I do is to tell the girls a zillion times each day how much I love them, how special they are and that there is no one I love more than them.

If you feel this way, I send out a tight hug.

Don't beat up yourself, this is absolutely normal. We are all dealing with a lot and it is fine. 

And if you can, please let me know how you deal with this so that I can try it out too. Will help me a lot! 

Take lots of care of yourself and smile, the hug is coming your way!

- Debolina Raja 

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And like I always believe in and say: 

'Heal the world we live in 

Save it for our children' - MJ 

 Happy Parenting!!!! 

 Debolina Raja