Scolding does not mean discipline, sometimes, love can do that too

Yesterday I was sitting at a busy food court in a mall, with every possible space occupied and packed as far as I could see.

I considered myself lucky enough to have found a space for myself and my girls.

As we sat down, thinking what we could have that would not involve waiting in too-long queues, the younger one opened her bag and took out her handy notepad and paper. Soon, she was lost to us, and was absorbed in her own world, writing, looking around and capturing on paper what she saw.

The older one, like me, already had a book to take care of any such free time that came upon her, and she was soon inside her book too.

As I was looking in my bag to take out my book (yes, I always have at least one or two books with me wherever I go, who knows when the need arises!!!), I heard a soft voice next to me, addressing me quietly.

I turned to see the voice coming from the lady sitting at the next table. She asked me if the girls were mine, and I said yes.

Then, she immediately jumped to the next question - "Do you never scold them? Or shout at them?"

Okay, so just as weird as it sounded writing it out here, the same expression came on my face, and I looked at her with a smile and said 'No, I don't really need to scold them, I don't do that."

She was surprised.

She pointed to a girl, aged about four, who was absolutely out of control, running and bumping into people, climbing on tables, and on others' tables too, trying to touch their food, pulling at others' clothes, all in all, doing all those 'naughty' things in public places that put parents in a fix!

She looked back at me and said that was her daughter, and till date, not a day had passed by when she had not scolded, shouted, or hit her, and later spent the entire day in guilt. "I just don't know what to do! I am usually a soft-spoken and quiet person, but she has no discipline! Only hitting her can quiet her down for some time. And she watches 5 to 6 hours of screen a day, and if she does not get it, she screams so much that we end up giving her something to watch. How are you managing your daughters? You didn't say anything, they simply started reading and doing their own thing, and your younger one is almost the same age as mine! How did you do that?"

She was hassled beyond her limits, and the answer that I was about to give her was at a risk of sounding too cliched or simple, but was true no doubt.

"Scolding or hitting is not always the way to create discipline, most of the time, love and appreciation can do that too."

She wanted to know what I meant.

So I told her...

From most of the time I remember, I have made a conscious effort to show my girls how much I love them, how I appreciate their gestures, how proud I am of their good behaviour, I make sure to tell them 100000 times a day that I love them, share free hugs that come without any condition (no bribing or saying things like I love you, but you have to do so and so), and on a regular basis, just keep reminding them how blessed I feel to have them in my life.

But...... when things go wrong, when they behave in a certain way or do things that are not acceptable, they immediately see that huge change in my behaviour.... when I close up, I stop responding and they understand from my body language that I am definitely not happy. And I never tell them that I don't love them, I tell them I am disappointed, that they have made me feel bad.

It works, at least, it has always worked till now...even as my elder one is ready to hit her teens soon!!

I think I can call this a sort of emotional tug, where they know that some behaviours can make me get into a shell, which means they don't have that friend in me for that time... and they hate that....

It's not that difficult actually, and she seemed quite ready to try this out herself..

"What about the reading and doing activities and writing by herself? She is quite young, and you didn't even ask her to do it, how does she do it on her own?"

If any of you have been on my book blog you will know that the answer is super simple :)

I have been reading ever since I remember (thanks to my ma and my nana (my dadun!) and the habit has passed on to both the girls, almost as naturally as living and breathing has come to them.... So it is that, each time we leave the house, me and the girls always have something to read with us, whether it is a trip to the mall or to the restaurant, or even on vacations, small or big..

Our children are incredibly smart, they don't need to be told everything, often, they pick up even the most subtle of hints and behaviour...so it is actually our behaviour that reflects in them.. We shout and scold, they become hyper and aggressive, we spread unconditional love and support, soon it will come easy to them too...

And yes, as long as we really want to be friends with them, they can treat us as their bestest friend and confidante for life!

That's all the gyaan I had to give, and the smile the stranger lady gave me and the way she thanked me was just too sweet and overwhelming! :)

If you are reading this dear lady (sorry I didn't even ask your name), then thank you for making me think of all this again....

- Debolina Raja

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And like I always believe in and say:
'Heal the world we live in
Save it for our children' - MJ
Happy Parenting!!!!

- Debolina Raja

No Time Table - Why I Chose To Set My Kids Free Of Restrictions And How It Helps Them Learn More

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I've always been kind of the odd mom out (not to say I'm odd in a lot of ways, and this isn't a surprise that I'm odd here too), and over and over again, I've been perceived as different from other moms, and I know that I behave that way as well.

But I do not regret it one bit. The biggest reason for my being happy about the kind of mom I am is that I can see for real that my kids are happy, healthy and fine, that they live with a smile and cry with their heart, that they can feel and understand their emotions, and those of others around them, and that they are good human beings, essentially.

I have always maintained that I do not want to restrict my kids in the many time tables set by society. And that involves the time-tables and set patterns created by school, society, family, friends, relatives, neighbours and everyone else out there. I do not believe that confirming to set patterns is what makes you successful, but I do believe that finding your heart's voice and following it is what makes you that person you really would want to be, and also be happy about it.

For the past few days, there has been an intense activity in the mommy groups of my kids's classmates, the topic being which kid studies how long each day and how much they all know. Let me state that these kids are 3 and 9 years of age, it is a time when their childhood is barely beginning, it is at that stage when it is budding, when it is time for their childhood, their dreams and their talents to be nurtured and honed. At least that is what I believe.

I gave up on everyday sit down and study for so and so hours concept long back. For my elder one, it is more of a learning through everyday activities and experiences. Of course it is important to follow certain patterns, such as studying for that test and knowing you have the answers and understand the topic, or being on time for that class submission. All of that is important.

But more than that, it is also important to have an open mind and free access to learning, as opposed to sitting down in one place and studying.

So, for instance, my elder one is a fan of various international culinary shows, and knows about a host of ingredients, cooking styles and global cuisine that I do not have any idea about. Of course she won't learn this by just reading a book. She wouldn't know how to crush that spice, or how to smell a particular herb and know if it is fresh and if it will make the best garnish. When she reads a menu, she knows exactly what she wants and what and how to order - and she is 9.

My younger one knows all about alphabets, numbers, colours, days of the week, month, shapes, poems, basic manners, etiquette, how to greet people and a host of other 'how to's' - and she is 3.

And I am happy. And I am proud. That all their learning is coming out of their own choice. That all they want to learn is out there, and that I am able to give them access to spread their wings and learn, instead of tying them down to one place and simply study.

The elder one wants to become a lot of things when she grows up, a painter, a writer, a storyteller, a pottery artist, a fashion designer, a chef, and so much more. And I am gonna be absolutely happy with whatever she chooses.

The younger one is too young to fall into this trap of worrying about 20 years down the line scenario right now. And I don't want to impress anything on her either.

Life isn't about just mugging up and learning to do your calculations and reciting some lines and memorizing dates and formula. I don't know what you think, but I think that life is a little and a lot more than that. It is about seeing rather than looking, of dreaming rather than just wishing, of fighting it out rather than giving up, of believing rather than criticizing, of trying rather than crying, of living rather than just surviving.....

And I promise, if I am not able to leave back anything else, I will still leave behind that glimmer of hope and dreams in my children's eyes, and inspire them from somewhere of never giving up on life, dreams, love and beliefs.....it's all so worth it.

- Debolina Raja

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And like I always believe in and say: 'Heal the world we live in Save it for our children' - MJ Happy Parenting!!!! Debolina Raja

Managing Anger In My 18 Month Old

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Do babies get angry? Well, of course they do. Our babies are humans too, albeit tiny ones, and they go through pretty much all the emotions that we face, the only difference is maybe they don't always know how to express it.

We have two girls in our home - one is a 7 year old and the other is 18 months old. Our daughters love playing with each other, fighting off each other, wanting to be together all the time and want their own space too - yes, even the younger one at 18 months!

By now, I know how to manage most of the emotions my 7 year old faces. But figuring that out with an 18 month old can be quite tricky, especially as the triggers can be random and very sudden. What may anger my 18 month old today may seem funny to her tomorrow. What can scare her today can anger her tomorrow. What she loves playing today can seem frustrating tomorrow and anger her.

So much going on!

So how do I manage? Here's how:

How To Potty Train Your Baby: How I Potty Trained My 15 Month Old

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The one query I see on most parenting sites and forums is how to train your baby for the potty! Moms are petrified and worried and really really curious to know how to train the baby in basic bathroom routines.

When I had my first baby, I must say I was really clueless. I honestly felt that keeping my baby in the diaper was a good alternative than trying to run with her to the bathroom at odd hours all the time. Of course I wasn't well aware in the tricks and tips then! That said, my first born was potty trained by the time she was going to be 2 years....which is not something I am happy about now, seeing that I could have done better.

With my second born, it was wayyyyyy easier. In fact, she was potty trained by the time she was 15 months old. And no, it did not involve any special tricks or apps (surprisingly, most mommies these days are taking the help of a so-called popular potty training app, which I feel is more work than just training your baby yourself!) and I did not even have to push my baby for it.

To keep it simple, in case you too are readying to get your baby potty trained, you may read through the rest of the article. It worked out really well for me, and I hope it works out for you too :)

When Is The Best Time To Start Potty Training Baby?

What may be the best time for another baby may not be the best time for your's! That's the first thing

Teaching Our Little One The Pocket Money Concept

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Now that my daughter was about to turn a cute 7, I decided it was time to start her pocket money initiation. Of course I didn’t get anything as a kid, and I always make faces at her, telling her she gets so much more than me, to which she always gives me a cute smile, now a toothless smile too!

So coming back to pocket money, I knew I wanted to start her on the concept, but wasn’t sure how to begin. Of late, I realised she was getting smarter about money, and was understanding more about saving and talking money before buying something.

I was already preparing her to understand about simple finances, and what are her needs and wants, which is something she is also learning in her Grade II Business Studies class…hahaha…..business studies at age 7, not bad.

So there were a few things we did to make her understand the concept of money:

The Yes World And The No World: Which One Does Your Child Inhabit?

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Whether you realise this or not, these are the two words you have been using most as a parent. And chances are, the word that you have used most out of these two is the dreaded 'NO.' Yes, right!

The 'No' syndrome hits all us parents almost as soon as the little bundle we brought home only that day starts to understand the world around. From 'No, don't put that in your mouth,' to 'No, don't throw it' to 'No more TV' 'No more playing' 'No we are NOT buying that' and much much much more...... every parent-child combo have their own scenarios, some unique and some extremely common.

I too have been using the NO button a lot with my elder one...And now that the younger one is 8 months old, she is getting her share of the NO too....it just doesn't go off unfortunately.

The Power Of Family Meals

Being a nutritionist I have always paid attention to what my family eats. But until recently, I was not aware
that how they eat is equally important. Research has shown that eating together as a family is key to inculcating healthy eating habits in children.

Researchers at Rutgers University have looked at 68 studies that have examined relationship between family meals, eating habits and children’s health. Amazingly all studies pointed to a similar trend – families who had “meals together” during the growing years had children and teens who ate more fruits and vegetables, other nutrient rich foods and less of soft drinks. The research also indicated that they had a lower BMI (body mass index) than kids whose families did not eat together! Of course, this is not a magic bullet but with so many studies confirming this trend it will be good to pay attention to these findings.

Family That Eats Together Stays Connected

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This is a conscious family practice that I've been trying to inculcate in the home for some time now. While we do try and have meals together, to be honest, most of the time it doesn't really happen. Well, there are many reasons behind that:

Yet Another Parenting Dilemma

As a parent of a five-year old growing up outside of India, far away from the environment that influenced my childhood – I worry about a lot of things.

Importantly, how to ensure that I bring up a child who is well-mannered and polite? Not that good manners are exclusive to Indian kids brought up in India, but cultural differences do account a lot for the way in which we perceive things; and to me, being well-mannered is the traditional Indian definition that we have of it – saying please and thank you, being respectful to elders, standing up when talking to a teacher, etc.

Meeting The Tiger Mom Amy Chua 'Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mom'

I recently attended a talk by Amy Chua, the author of the book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.’ A year ago, a provocative review of her book by Wall Street Journal propelled her into the list of mosttalked-about and most-vilified people, as parents (mainly in the West) collectively gasped in horror at her authoritative and harsh parenting methods.

For us in the East, such kind of parenting was something many of us have seen, heard about or even
experienced, although we might not subscribe to those methods any more.

Discipling Baby Discipling You

Was sitting with someone today and as is prone when any two parents sit together, the discussion veered towards young kids. The person I was sitting with happened to have a young child at home, a child of about 06, and it seemed to be a big reason of concern to this man who was the grandfather – of seeing an unruly child at home and not being able to do anything to discipline the child. There was a lot of reason for concern – for one, the child was already at an age when most basic discipline issues are already part of a routine, when the child is alreay aware of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviour, of basic etiquettes, of how to behave in front of ‘outsiders’, and in general, how to be a well-mannered child.

Having an indisciplined child can be a real problem, one that poses the threat of embarassment for you, while making your child the subject of ridicule and potential rejection by other kids and parents. There may be instances where your child may be conveniently left out of play dates and birthdays, when you see a decrease in the number of friends coming home to play with your child, while instances of your baby being invited to friends’ house goes down visibly. You may wring your hands in despair, talking stern to your child, and sometimes even resorting to means of punishment and hitting. But once you sit down and actually think about it – who is to blame for this situation? Is it really your child, or is it you, the parent, who failed to inculcate the basics of discipline and manners in the little one?